


Okay Dean

by Notyournormalcupoftea



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-05
Updated: 2014-02-05
Packaged: 2018-01-11 05:53:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1169477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notyournormalcupoftea/pseuds/Notyournormalcupoftea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been two weeks. Two weeks since pain is the only thing Castiel can feel from the numbness of his hands to the sore spot of his heart. Two weeks since Dean died. But, Dean left a note.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Okay Dean

Osteosarcoma. The word sounds hollow coming out of the doctor's mouth. Castiel has no idea what this word means. But it sounds evil. It sounds as if it can take all the joy out of the room and gleefully run with it. Sam is furrowing his eyebrows as if this is a mistake. As if the doctor pronounced the word terribly wrong. His eyebrows are so close together they look as if they are one. Cas wants to laugh. But the look on Sam's face makes himself feel a great bellowing hatred towards himself for thinking such a horrible thing. He turns his head to Dean. He is breathing painfully. His cheeks are red and it is spreading to his ears in stripes of red and white. He keeps looking up at the ceiling and sucking in his cheeks. He looks at a Cas for a brief moment and it's like Dean's eyes are a rock being thrown at Castiel's heart and breaking it open at the seams. The doctor opens her mouth again. A month and a half. That's how much Dean has left to- Cas is out the door by now. He is shivering and shaking at the same time. The room has become smaller in size. He shrinks to the floor as if it could cradle him. He has been on Earth long enough to learn how that sentence will end. He never wants to hear the end of the sentence. Ever.  
******************  
The day that Dean gets his wheelchair is a interesting one in such a sad way. When Sam pulls the wheelchair into Dean's hospital room and tells Dean to sit in it, his eyes are hard and his body is rigid. He looks at the wheelchair like it's an inanimate object. Like he wants it to be. He does not move. Finally Sam has to drag him out of the bed. And God. He's crying. Like a baby. Crying hard . The tears are rolling down his face one by one. He's screaming. Holding on to the bed rail like a life preserver.  
"No Sam. Please. Just let me die. Let me fucking die god dammit. Please." Cas doesn't know what's worse. The fact that Dean is crying or that he wants to die. Sam looks at Cas and asks for help. Cas can't move. His body is physically telling him no. He feels sessile to the floor. But he slowly reaches out for Dean's leg. His hand shakes as he wraps his hand against Dean's bony leg and he loses grip. This is enough. Cas has to step back and gain his composure. Finally Sam pulls Dean into the wheelchair and wraps a seatbelt around him. Dean is sobbing softly into his lap. His shoulders are shaking at almost the same rhythm Cas's are. Sam swipes at his eyes. As they leave the hospital, Cas hears Dean murmurs "I'm not a person anymore."  
********************  
They try to make the first weeks fun. On the first week they take him to a playground. Dean has to wear a beanie because he's losing his hair because of treatment. His once bright emerald eyes have turned to a dull shade of forest green. And he has grown much thinner. His body is a thinning silhouette of himself. Sam pushes him on the swings and tries to get him to laugh. The scene is so ridiculous. Sam then sits next to Dean and starts to swing himself. And the sight of the two brothers together touches Cas in a such a human way he has to look away. They scatter bird seeds all over the sidewalk. When there is a flock Cas pushes Dean through and watch the birds flying above their heads and it's so mundane it's the most beautiful thing Cas sees at the moment. He lightly rests his hand on top of Dean's. Dean doesn't hesitate to grab back. He hears sniffling. Dean is crying again. He grasps Dean's thinning hand, as they both look at the birds flying away. On the second week it's a museum. On the third week it's a strip club. The ladies give Dean many lap dances much to his joy. When they leave, Dean throws up. Blood. And a lot of it. It just comes up and up and up. So back to the hospital. Dean is pushed away in a congregation of medical assistants and doctors and nurses. In the rush to get him away, they drop his beanie. Cas tentatively picks it up and brings it to his face. "Don't Dean." He whispers into it. On the fourth week Dean dies. The doctor's say it was a painless thing and Cas wants to smack them for lying because there is so much pain Cas forgets how to breathe for a minute because pain is all he feels throughout his body. And now his lip is trembling so hard it might fall off. The funeral is small. Not many people. Just the people Dean would want. He is buried next to his mother. The song playing as his casket lowers is "Hey Jude." The tombstone reads Dean Winchester." The angels are watching over you." And Cas's jaw is shaking at the seam.  
********  
The bunker is very quiet. Sam has cut his hair. Grows scruff . He leaves to get wood without saying goodbye. Cas can't take the silence and moves to Dean's room. He opens the door slowly, as if he is walking in on Dean. Everything is still in place. He moves his hand slowly across the dresser. The wood digs into his skin. He goes over to the bed and lays down. But he feels something beneath him. Under the sheets. He removes them and finds a piece of notebook paper. It has been creased very smoothly and put under the sheets slyly. Cas opens it and his breath catches. It's Dean's writing. He finally reads the top. It starts off with: Dear Cas. And he drops the paper as if it has burned him. Because the pain is so real. He picks up slowly and reads it. As he starts reading his voice merges with Dean's.  
"Dear Cas. I'm in love with you." And Cas has to lay the paper on the bed because he doesn't want his tears to ruin the ink. He reads on.  
"And no. Not love you. In love. As in deep confusing love. And I'm shaking because I haven't felt this way before for anybody. And this past few weeks I've figured out a lot of things. Like I need you. And I don't want you to be freaked out. I just want you to love me back so I can hold you how I really want to you. And I'm probably writing this more to myself then you but Cas I love you. And I want to scream it to the world. But first I need to scream it to you. So yes. I'm so in love with you Castiel. And all I need is for you to say it back. Say it. Scream it. And I won't need anything else. So all I'm saying is I need you to say you love me and let me love you so hard. Okay Cas? Okay?" The note ended with Dean's signature. Cas searched the top of the paper for the date. A week. A week before Dean got sick. Before Dean got cancer. Before Castiel left the earth and moved into nothing. Cas crumples up the paper and throws the paper. He's angry. Angry. At Dean. At cancer. At the world. Because fuck. They cheated him so badly. Then he's rocking back and forth on the floor crying because Dean loves him. And he loves Dean so hard. And then he's rereading the note because that can't be it. And he's crying again. And calling for Dean. Begging him. He finally is so physically tired from crying he has to leave. He leaves the crumpled up piece of paper on the bed.  
***********  
When Sam comes back it's a silent dinner. The silence is like something that Cas has come to expect. When dinner is finished Sam goes straight to bed. Cas doesn't bother telling him about the note because he still needs to register if it's real. When Sam is snoring, Cas crawls back into Dean's room and turns on the lamp. It gives a orange glow to room. He lays on the bed and envelopes himself in Dean's smell. Then out of the corner of his eye, he notices the paper. He slowly picks it up and uncrumples it. And each time he does so, it's like he is uncrumpling his heart. His heart pounds through his ears. He reads the last part again. He can hear Dean's voice reading it to him. "So yes. I'm so in love with you Castiel. And all I need is for you to say it back. Say it. Scream it. And I won't need anything else. So all I'm saying is I need you to say you love me and let me love you so hard. Okay Cas? Okay?" He brings the paper to his heart and murmurs "Okay Dean."

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work posted on here. Sorry if it's short and not very detailed. I wrote it in the spur of the moment. Hope you guys enjoy!


End file.
